Ano to, friends magtatalunan? Thanks talaga ha. Sobrang nabBV na ako. 


Ang galing grabe. Never have I thought this would even happen to me.
Salamat ha. Kaibigan pa man din kita. Subukan mo lang talaga ha.


PAIN MAKES PEOPLE CHANGE. SO DON'T HURT THEM WHEN YOU DO NOT WANT THEM TO CHANGE.

I really want to see you but it's really risky for me. 

I don't wanna get caught.

I like yoooou and fuuuudge, I don't know what to do. Guess I'm so used to being single I don't know how to handle relationships, AGAIN. :|

Please please do text meeeeeeeee. :( 

Or else, I don't know what to do. :|


Gah, I've been missing a lot since this whole thing started.
I'm happy I have this. But things will never be as simple as we all wanted it to be. There will always be one part complicated. Boooo. 


--------

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart

Early this evening my sister told me that my mom went through my stuff and checked if I was hiding something. She found nothing. I got so pissed off because this morning when I woke up and saw my stuff, I saw that my mom saw them. SO WHAT. Then, I placed them all inside the hamper and got pissed off. 

My mom was assuming that I was hiding something. Okaaaaay. Obviously, no trust in there. :|

Talk about trust issues. :| 

This day was okay naman. 

Ang fail lang talaga kasi I was supposed to donate blood pero di natuloy. :( Dahil lang sa period! :( It was so disappointing. :(

Tapos Russ and I weren't able to watch CLTCL in school dahil fail ang USB kong marami ng virus. :(

But nevertheless, the night was okay. It wasn't that romantic but okay lang. I was just frank but at least honest.

I hope it's crystal clear to him that for now, I really don't. I don't like him.

Valentine's was okay overall. :> 


***

But post-Valentine's is a different story.

Fail I had to peek again indirectly and found out something...damn. :(

Oh kayo na! :(

Back to bitter self again? Fudge? Fubuuuu. :(  

Ako na ang fail ngayon. :|  

What happened this morning will forever be memorable to me. It will definitely be. 

I never realized I'll be saying it with conviction. Really.

----

This morning I really woke up very early (like around 4 AM). I woke up from a bad dream that I had. I tried to forget it by sleeping it again but instead, the bad dream just continued. :( And when my heart can't take it anymore, I finally went up by 4:30. It really felt bad. There was cutting part of hands, Haydee was there, reputation was doomed, and like I was being strangled in my own dream. I couldn't take the fact. Before I texted her about my dream, I made it sure that it was just a dream because it really felt real. It was real for me. I analyzed first if it was real or not and I thought about it for a long time. I mean it. And thank God, it wasn't. I don't think I'll be able to handle the fact that it will ruin myself and my reputation. :(( 

This morning was our first duty in the mental institution. We were assigned in Pavillion 1, Ward 6. These are the recently admitted patients (maybe few months or so). But no patient interaction took place yet because of the self-awareness we had. This was the most meaningful for me. 

I can't believe I cried while Mira was talking like as if I was the one being assessed. I couldn't hold back much of my tears. Until it was my turn. Damn. I wasn't able to resist anymore, when I was asked about my sister, my parents. Tears were falling down continuously. Then until I reached the part where I couldn't keep my feelings anymore. As impulsive as my answers were, I was able to release like a gunshot the feelings that were bottled up for 1 1/2 years already.

Sir: Have you experienced heartbreak before?
Me: Yes.
Sir: Showbiz/non-showbiz?
Me: Showbiz.
Me *impulsive answer (IA) #1*: oh shit duty nila next week!
*realized stupid me for saying that*
*blahblahblah*
Sir: Galit ka sa kanya?
Me (IA): Oo.
Sir: Feeling mo pinaasa ka niya?
Me (IA): Oo.
Sir: Kung nandito siya anong sasabihin mo sa kanya?
Me (IA): Nakakainis ka!
Sir: May trauma ka sa mga lalaki?
Me (IA): Oo.
Sir: Tingin mo magkakaroon ka pa ng boyfriend?
Me: Oo naman.

My clinical instructur thought I'll be shivs because of boy trauma. Well, actually no. It's just that I'm not ready to enter a new relationship. Sad for K. I just wanna be honest with myself even for once which felt so relieved. I was happy after. Like after this, I was able to release all the negative vibes. And I thank for that. :> 

Thank God for self-awareness. I became fully aware. :) 

 I lablab my groupmates. <3